The Good, The Bad, the Meh…

Been a while and I apologize.  Life happens.  I never said this blog would update regularly or even make any sense.  But this is life.  Life is something we all deal with on a daily basis.  Be it work, school, traffic, people, anything and everything.  To give up in life is to admit defeat against your greatest obstacle.  I’m not willing to admit defeat.

 

The Good: For some reason, I was selected to test World of Warcraft: Battle for Azeroth Alpha.  I’m not opted in for testing, yet they gave it to me.  Might be my only chance to experience the content, but oh well.  I enjoy WoW, but Ive been feeling a little burnt out by it lately.  It is what it is.

 

The Bad: Not going into much detail here, but the living situation with my niece was going nowhere, so my lovey pushed it forward.  The Drama Llama paid a visit as a result.  That’s as far as I’m going with that.

My anxiety is through the roof right now.  Not sure if it’s because I’m due for my injection soon or what, but it’s an unfamiliar feeling of anxiety.  usually it’s in my head, causing racing thoughts, feelings and emotions.  This is in my gut, making me feel nauseous.  It’s not a pleasant feeling.  It’s like someone has my stomach in a vice-like grip, wringing it out and twisting it.  Again, not a pleasant feeling.

 

The Meh:  I just want to stop caring for a little while.  Not forever, but just for a little while, but I can’t.  That’s not who I am, that’s not what I do.  Not leaving my lovey, my job, or my family, I just want to turn everything off for a little while and enjoy the silent void of emptiness.  Not the healthiest of ways to deal with things, but meh.  The mind is a dangerous place, especially if it’s one’s own mind.  There isn’t much someone can do to quiet their mind except seek help from family, friends, and/or professionals.  Sometimes, however, people just don’t quite understand what’s going on, or what you’re trying to say.  I think that that may be the situation with me.  It’s hard for me to put things into words, even harder for me to be able to express it correctly when I can find words to explain.  I just want to be better.  I don’t know how.  I just need to be better.  I’m tired of being controlled by my own mind.  Tired of pushing myself closer to a breaking point.  I’m fairly certain that said breaking point isn’t in the near future; I’m not feeling anywhere near that bad yet, but if I do start feeling that way, I know I can get the help I need before I have a complete meltdown like last time.  the biggest issue I’m facing is identifying what’s setting me off, dealing with said trigger and finding a way to properly express these feelings to the right people.

In the end, everything is okay; if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.  I know this.  I don’t need to be told this.  I need to hear that people understand what I’m feeling.  That’s the hard part if I’m not able to properly express it.  there are times when I don’t even understand what I’m feeling though.  There is a difference between being able to express a feeling and understanding that feeling.  I feel like I can understand most of what I’m feeling, just to able to express it.  I think, however, that I’m going through a point where I don’t understand what I’m feeling and I don’t know how to express it either.  That is where it gets hard.

There is no way around life.  You must go through it and face it head on.  Let your determination be your shield, your tenacity your armor, and your courage be your sword.  There is no surrender against life.  Even if you give up, life still goes on and your loss ends up hurting those you love.

 

~Sam

Going down, down, down…

Sorry for the long absence. There are things I’d like to say, but I don’t have the words for. I just can’t give a good, proper description of how I feel. I am doing better but things sometime feel like I’m in a burning ring of fire thanks to my anxiety. That’s the best I could do to describe how my anxiety is disrupting my life. I haven’t needed to take my anxiety meds until today. Too many people doing too much in our apartment and then the crowd and noise at my niece’s birthday party (she’ll be 5). The greatest battles are fought not on the battle field, but in ones own mind. Win that war and nothing can hold you back.

~Sam

The New Year is here…

Happy New Year one and all.  We all know that it’s going to be more of the same shit as the last couple years.  More lies and half-truths coming from our representatives and political leaders. It won’t be a good year for minorities, the poor or our elderly.  It’ll be great for the rich white men that “donate” to our leaders.  Bah!  Vote them out this year folks, vote your heart, not what anyone tells you!

On the bright side, thanks to my hunni and her brother, I have a new rpg group forming up.  At least once a month, maybe more if possible.  Only know one person in the group though, and that’s my hunni’s brother.  Great guy, a little weird though, but that’s ok.  I’m looking forward to this new group.  It should be easier to schedule times with them.  My current group is tougher to get together with, but they have been a blast to play with.

Getting over a nasty cold as I write this, so that’s a plus.  So much head congestion and the sore throat because of the drainage.  I took my hunni to the bookstore today to add to her already big collection.  She’s also sick, so this seems like a nice way to help her get over it.

Lunch is here.  Marco’s pizza is my favorite pizza place, they also have killer subs too!  May 2018 be kind and gentle with you all.

 

~Sam

It’s feeling a lot like…

Fuck this.  It’s my birthday today, no big deal really, but you know what really sucks?  Catching the crud on your birthday.  Couldnt really celebrate it even if I wanted to.  At least on the bright side, my hunni bought me a birthday cake.  It’s so amazingly delicious!

My main concerns though are physical health related.  I have slight body aches, a sore throat and a congested sinus cavity.  All I can do is take meds and relax until I feel better.  Booo!  I have been up cleaning though, which I’m sure my hunni appreciates.  I’m just so tired though.  I can’t focus on fun things I like to do, but the only cure to that frustration is doing dishes, cleaning, etc.

Apparently I have a new Pathfinder rpg group starting up soonish.  End of next month actually.  Most of the people aren’t really familiar with it from my understanding, which is good, since I really havent played in a while.  I’ll be DM/GMing the group, which is ok, rather be a player than a dice rolling demi-god, but meh.  Still trying to get my hunni into it, but if she doesn’t want to play I wont force her.

It’s easier to run…

It’s easier to run from your troubles, but eventually your ghosts catch up with you. There is no hiding from your problems, but you can stand up and rise against everything that’s going wrong. It’s hard, probably the hardest thing to do, but it is the best thing to do. Friends, family, and even strangers are there to help and support you in your hour of need.

I bring this up because a couple weeks past, I was released from the Norwood mental health institute. It was what I needed. The hardest part wasn’t admitting I had issues that needed addressing, it was telling my family that I needed the help that Norwood offered. I think getting over that hurdle helped me more than anything else.

Just remember, you are not alone. In your darkest hour, there are people who care, who want to help you. Everything is ok in the end, if it’s not ok then it’s not the end.

~Sam

You are not prepared…

Some people may think this entry will be about World of Warcraft. Well, you’re wrong. This post is about the fluffy white shit falling from the sky. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate snow. No one drives safely, it’s all slick and icy and during a bright sunny day it blinds you with the light coming from every direction. There isn’t much to today’s post, just needed to rant a bit about snow.

~Sam

The thing that never was…

I’ve been feeling a bit better recently. No 100% or anything but better. I still have those cracks in my mind that will sometimes open up and let the negative through, but it is getting better, slowly. I think the darkness inside is calming down. There isn’t much I need to say but yeah.

On a different note, I’ve been pushing myself to work on my role playing stuff, despite not being able to focus much. My hunni is starting to show some interest in it, but she’s nowhere near into it as I am.

~Sam

Ho ho no…

It snowed last night. I hate snow. My better half was kind enough to clear off the balcony before I woke up. I’m very thankful for that. It’s not so much that I hate snow, I just hate being out in it, seeing other people out in it and cleaning it up.

Christmas is coming, hence the particular title. Each year I seem to enjoy it less and less. It’s always nice to see the look on people’s faces when they open your gift to them. The holidays are becoming more and more commercial each year. It isn’t helping that my birthday is a few days after either.

I always get myself a gift for my birthday, and this year it will be the gift of sight. My close up vision is failing so new glasses. Yippie. Yes, that was sarcasm. But on the bright side, I did buy myself a cheap laptop to keep track of my role playing stuff and other creative endeavors.

The year is almost over and I already have a resolution. Drop 50 lbs by end of next year. No particular reason either. Worst case is nothing changes. Best case is I may look and feel better. Here’s hoping.

~Sam

Out of my Mind…

It’s been a few days since I came home from a mental health institution and my mind still hasn’t been racing yet. I feel anxious now and then, but I’m still able to keep my thoughts together. I’m proud of myself for that.

I return to work on Tuesday, which I’m thankful for, but there is some anxiety about it. If anyone asks, I’ll tell them I’d rather not speak about it. Was work the catalyst that caused my mind to break? I have no idea, but I’ll find out soon. I wonder how much shit I’m going to get for missing Black Friday, one of my favorite days of the year.

Mom is coming up tomorrow to take me down for a visit. I think it will do me good. Just need to pack a bag tonight and I’ll be ready. I’m looking forward to visiting, even though mom doesn’t think I need the meds. It’s her opinion but I do feel like they are helping some.

I’ve got my niece over tonight. She’s sick but it’s ok. She’ll get better soon. Even though she’s only 4, she is still a part of my stress management team.

~Sam

Natural 20s and 1s…

Just woke up from my first night home in almost 2 weeks and I enjoyed it. For the sake of change, this post won’t be about mental illnesses or politics. Instead, it’s going to be about tabletop gaming, rpgs specifically.

Role playing games tend to simultaneously be the cheapest and the most expensive hobby there is. Why do I say that? It’s because you don’t need much to start playing, just a set of polyhedral dice, a pice of paper and a core source book, which you can download free from the internet, though that last one can be unethical at the least and illegal at worst. Now if prefer a physical copy, then that could eventually run you into hundreds of dollars because of all the source books out there, fancy dice, apps that help you create a character, battle maps and miniatures and more.

I personally fall under that last category, but that’s ok. I try to buy used books and miniatures whenever I can. Also, if you buy half pound/ whole pound of dice from amazon or other dealers, you end up spending less per set of dice. However, if you invest your money into programs for your tablet, like hero lab for iPad and others for android, you generally don’t need dice as Herolab let’s you roll from the app. It’s not cheap, but the pc version is great for DMs, and the iPad version is great for players.

Have fun out there, sometimes you go into an adventure expecting not to have fun, but once they start they tend to love it. There’s more I can get into but my eyes are a bit blurry.

If anyone has any questions or comments, I’d be happy to answer them in the comments section.

~Sam