The Good, The Bad, the Meh…

Been a while and I apologize.  Life happens.  I never said this blog would update regularly or even make any sense.  But this is life.  Life is something we all deal with on a daily basis.  Be it work, school, traffic, people, anything and everything.  To give up in life is to admit defeat against your greatest obstacle.  I’m not willing to admit defeat.

 

The Good: For some reason, I was selected to test World of Warcraft: Battle for Azeroth Alpha.  I’m not opted in for testing, yet they gave it to me.  Might be my only chance to experience the content, but oh well.  I enjoy WoW, but Ive been feeling a little burnt out by it lately.  It is what it is.

 

The Bad: Not going into much detail here, but the living situation with my niece was going nowhere, so my lovey pushed it forward.  The Drama Llama paid a visit as a result.  That’s as far as I’m going with that.

My anxiety is through the roof right now.  Not sure if it’s because I’m due for my injection soon or what, but it’s an unfamiliar feeling of anxiety.  usually it’s in my head, causing racing thoughts, feelings and emotions.  This is in my gut, making me feel nauseous.  It’s not a pleasant feeling.  It’s like someone has my stomach in a vice-like grip, wringing it out and twisting it.  Again, not a pleasant feeling.

 

The Meh:  I just want to stop caring for a little while.  Not forever, but just for a little while, but I can’t.  That’s not who I am, that’s not what I do.  Not leaving my lovey, my job, or my family, I just want to turn everything off for a little while and enjoy the silent void of emptiness.  Not the healthiest of ways to deal with things, but meh.  The mind is a dangerous place, especially if it’s one’s own mind.  There isn’t much someone can do to quiet their mind except seek help from family, friends, and/or professionals.  Sometimes, however, people just don’t quite understand what’s going on, or what you’re trying to say.  I think that that may be the situation with me.  It’s hard for me to put things into words, even harder for me to be able to express it correctly when I can find words to explain.  I just want to be better.  I don’t know how.  I just need to be better.  I’m tired of being controlled by my own mind.  Tired of pushing myself closer to a breaking point.  I’m fairly certain that said breaking point isn’t in the near future; I’m not feeling anywhere near that bad yet, but if I do start feeling that way, I know I can get the help I need before I have a complete meltdown like last time.  the biggest issue I’m facing is identifying what’s setting me off, dealing with said trigger and finding a way to properly express these feelings to the right people.

In the end, everything is okay; if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.  I know this.  I don’t need to be told this.  I need to hear that people understand what I’m feeling.  That’s the hard part if I’m not able to properly express it.  there are times when I don’t even understand what I’m feeling though.  There is a difference between being able to express a feeling and understanding that feeling.  I feel like I can understand most of what I’m feeling, just to able to express it.  I think, however, that I’m going through a point where I don’t understand what I’m feeling and I don’t know how to express it either.  That is where it gets hard.

There is no way around life.  You must go through it and face it head on.  Let your determination be your shield, your tenacity your armor, and your courage be your sword.  There is no surrender against life.  Even if you give up, life still goes on and your loss ends up hurting those you love.

 

~Sam

Going down, down, down…

Sorry for the long absence. There are things I’d like to say, but I don’t have the words for. I just can’t give a good, proper description of how I feel. I am doing better but things sometime feel like I’m in a burning ring of fire thanks to my anxiety. That’s the best I could do to describe how my anxiety is disrupting my life. I haven’t needed to take my anxiety meds until today. Too many people doing too much in our apartment and then the crowd and noise at my niece’s birthday party (she’ll be 5). The greatest battles are fought not on the battle field, but in ones own mind. Win that war and nothing can hold you back.

~Sam

Goeth the Fall of One…

This will be relatively short.

I’m broken. I doubt I’ll ever be fixed, but I’m functional. I’m not doing the greatest right now, but I’ll manage. It’ll be a long , tough road. I don’t need to hear that I’ll be fine. I know I’ll be fine in time. What I need is people to hear me and give me their understanding of what I’m telling them. I’m tired. There’s things I want to do, but it’s all a matter of time, money or people. It happens. Things will get better eventually.

~Sam

The things we do for love…

My better half had a procedure done today to finish what they started months ago. I was on edge during the whole thing and still on edge now that she’s safely home. Why? Because of being on the road and dealing with traffic. A few years ago she and I were in a nasty car accident. Below are a few pictures of our car after the accident.

Both taken to a hospital by ambulance. Since then, I’ve been on edge being in traffic. I’ve gone to counseling, prescribed meds, the whole 9 yards, but nothing seems to be helping. If anything it’s getting worse. If my better half’s procedure was at the local hospital, that would be one thing, but we had to drive an hour and a half each way for it. Being on the road for more than a short drive terrifies me to no end, but I can’t let it keep me from doing what I need to do. I’ll still go to work and run errands and whatnot, but long drives are a source of great fear for me.

I’m currently taking an anti anxiety medication to deal with the anxiety of driving but I forgot to bring it with me this morning to the procedure. I ended up taking a full dose when we got home and right now it’s just making me tired so I may try sleeping here soon if I can just get my mind to slow down. Anxiety plus mind fog is an interestingly frustrating experience. You can even try to sort out you’re thoughts with the fog blocking your view.

I think that’s enough ranting for now. Goodnight.

~Sam

The battle from within…

In the war of life the greatest battle that one can fight is the battle from within. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, some of the greatest enemies to the self one can do battle with.  Even the strongest, bravest of people struggle with these illnesses.  There are effective weapons against these enemies, but they can also cause damage to the civilians of the mind.  

I’ve been fighting this battle for years.  Depression and anxiety.  I’ve been battling them both for a good long time.  It’s been hell.  I’ve had help, family, friends, counselors, medications.  I’m tired of fighting.  It’s exhausting.  Day in and day out I struggle to keep it together.  There are times I want to give up, surrender and let the enemy do what they may with me.  I will not give up.  Not now, not ever.  My fiancée, my family, my friends, all are part of my support team.  They are the artillery, air support and naval bombardment in the battle against the mind.  

I’m part of the support team for my family and friends too, especially to Stephanie. She is fighting her own battles, and she needs support, and I’ll be damned if I let her down.  There are times when you feel you’re losing the battle, but you’ll always have you’re support team. Win or lose, your support team will always be there to watch your back.  Always trust your support team. Sometimes they’ve all you have. 

Goodnight. 
~Sam

So long and thanks for all the fish…

Earth. It’s the only home we have. I’m not going to rant about being responsible and recycle, do your part, etc. The world as we know it is dying. I feel we’re too late to repair the damage we caused and will have to live with it. Sure, recycling and what not will let us enjoy the planet for a bit longer, but our days are numbered so I have hunk it’s time to devise an exit strategy.

The moon is close by, but without artificial gravity it would do us more harm than good to live there. Mars is probably the best bet to continue the human race, and could possibly be made livable in as little as a few hundred years. I said livable, not comfortable. It’ll take thousands of years to terraform mars to be like earth, but in as little as a couple centuries, we can possibly form an atmosphere around the planet using what we’re doing now. Polluting. We’ll need to thicken mars’ thin atmosphere by introducing greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, methane and other gases. The company concentration would have to be higher than what Earth has currently, but it’s possible.

Some believe that the core of mars is no longer spinning. If that’s the case, it’ll need a jump start. It is possible, and isn’t much different than jump starting a car, but on a much, much bigger scale. This will be the crucial issue to permanently colonizing mars. Without a spinning core, there will be no magnetic field. No magnetic field means something lane flares and other nasty events will cause major issues with settlements. It’s all possible. The short term will be relatively easy, but building up to an earth like planet will be very difficult and expensive in the long run. And with how little people get along with each other, I don’t see it happening for a long time. It would be a miracle if mankind dies set up permanent colonies on another planet, but this is one I wouldn’t get my hopes up for.

The idea of living on another planet is exciting, but it’s not for me. Earth is my home. It’s where I was born, its where I live, and it will be where I die and be buried. It’s not about fear. It’s about knowing where you belong. It’s my home and it’s where I belong. For now and always, I will be an earthling, never a Martian. I would love to see the day where mankind puts down their differences and work together to strive for the Benefit of the race as a whole, not the individual.

~Sam

We’re idiots in America…

Antifa, Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter, Neo-nazis. These are some of the biggest topic groups going around the media lately. I’m hardly surprised to be honest. America isn’t really known for being completely welcome to all, never has and I doubt it ever will. People will disagree with me, but look through America’s past. There has never been a time that we as a nation haven’t openly treated one group or another as inferior. Blacks, women, the Irish, Germans, Japanese, muslims, LGBT.  The list goes on. We are a nation born and bred of hate and intolerance.  With the election of Donald J. Trump as president of these United States of America, we have shown the world that we’re ok with discrimination. Sure other nations have this issue, but America has taken it and made it an art form. We have shown that we’re ok with white supremacy.  We’re ok with turning away people seeking a better life, potentially damning them to the hands of gangs or armies in their homelands. 

Trump has failed to condemn those responsible for this past weekends attack on counter-protesters. An innocent life was lost at the hands of a white supremacist. Trump has failed to hold those involved responsible.  Instead he is placing the blame first on the victims of the attack then saying that both sides are at fault. Our president, who proudly accepted support from white supremacist groups, including the kkk, has fail to condemn such attacks. He has failed to call them what it is, an act of domestic terrorism. He’ll jump at the chance to call Mexicans rapists and muslims murderers and terrorists, but when it’s a white man involved in it, hardly a fucking word!  This is a man who had foreign help influencing the election to become president. He had tarnished and ruined the reputation of the office of the presidency. 

Most of the groups mentioned in the first line were formed with good intentions in mind, to stop discrimination. Unfortunately, like with near every group, they have their extremists who end up giving them a bad name. All lives matter. Period. Not just black, not just police, not just women, muslims, white. ALL LIVES MATTER!  Trump has made it clear that he does not believe this. He will say whatever it takes to get what he wants, but once he has it, he goes back to being him. He has lied, cheated, and possibly stolen his way to where he’s at. He continuously pokes at the hornets best known as North Korea. Kim Jong Un has backed away from his plans of launching missiles in the general direction of Guam. While his reasons for doing so remain unknown, he has shown more compassion to the American people than Trump has. Trump only cares about having power and keeping the rich rich. This man needs to be impeached at the least or charged with treason at the most. He is a threat to America, which brings me to my next point…

Hillary Clinton won the popular vote by 3+ million votes over Donald Trump. One would think that she would be our leader. Nope. In America, we have this wonderful thing called the electoral college. It’s supposed to make elections far by giving lower density areas more weight in voting. Twice already in my lifetime has this failed us. First in 2000 when George W. Bush was elected. He wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he understood that you can’t just run your mouth whenever you want. And the second time was 2016 when Trump was elected. Urban areas tended to vote blue while rural voted red. The problem with this is there is considerably more rural areas in the US than urban. Either get rid of the electoral college, or break the nation into smaller districts, each with a roughly even mix of urban and rural population. There is no reason we should have to deal with events like recent history ever again. We need to come together and fight to make our nation better. Strive to make America truest great for the first time in history. Get rid of government sanctioned discrimination, get rid of hate groups, fix how we vote. Improve the quality of life for all Americans, native and naturalized. We can do this if we just look past each other’s skin color, gender and religion. May the Gods have mercy on us all..,
~Sam

Depressed for the repressed…

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is put your thoughts down on paper. It’s easy to just think about what’s on your mind or how you’re feeling, but there are times when it is all but impossible to get those thoughts out in the open, be it blog, journal, or just speaking with someone. Personally, I’ve been feeling a great deal of anger, rage, and sadness. If you’ve been following the news these last 8 months, then you understand what I mean. It feel almost impossible to properly express these thoughts and feeling lately, it’s like a well made soup.  Everything is blended together, and you can identify it, but you can’t separate it from the rest. 

There is so much rage and hate in this country. I’m getting sick of it. It’s fine if you hate someone, just keep it to yourself!  It makes me depressed how bad people treat each other just because their beliefs are different or they aren’t the same skin color. 

Our president isn’t making things any better either. It seems he’s trying to start a war with North Korea; I just hope that cooler heads prevail.  I’m not looking forward to this country being dragged through another meaningless war. Enough with the fighting, more with the talking.
~Sam

The uprising of technology…

(Note:Sorry for lack of updates, I’ve been sick.)

There are times when I question the intelligence of the common person. When you watch people come up to a self check out machine that is obviously closed, and watch them try to scan their purchases with no luck, you start to wonder if they’re just not paying attention or are just plain stupid. Technology is a blessing, but it’s also a curse in that people pay too much attention to their devices and rely on them far too much for the most basic of needs. Common sense and knowledge have generally fallen out of style. People don’t know simple facts and bits of information that were common knowledge 15 years ago and common sense is no longer as common as it used to be. 

People are too busy with their heads buried in their phones while they are walking or driving to pay attention to what’s going on around them. I’ve seen people walk in front of speeding vehicles because they’re busy texting their friends. Drivers are too busy reading and writing texts to stop at red lights or notice pedestrians crossing the street. It’s sad to see so many needless accidents caused by people not paying attention. 

People really need to learn to pay better attention to their surroundings, not rely on their phones for simple tasks and common knowledge and frankly, need to be more polite to those in the service industry.  It’s depressing sometimes how horrid society can be to each other. The current political climate doesn’t improve things any either, if anything it makes it worse. There is far too much that needs to be done in order to bring society back to where it needs to be. I weep for this civilization. I cannot lie however, perhaps the best thing would be a reset of humanity, but we’ll see what happens in the future.

~Sam